I haven’t been writing much. I am getting very depressed. Part of me thinks it is the chemical imbalance of depression, which is likely since I’m not taking my medicine consistently, but part of me thinks it’s because I miss Jared so god damn much. I wish I could stop. I don’t like this constant heartache. I am always being racked with the question of if he misses me, too. Sometimes I ask my friends if they think he does. They say “I don’t know” or “yeah, probably. Just stop thinking about it,” but I can’t tell if they are lying or not. I need an upfront answer and an explanation of that answer. If I was ballsy enough I would ask Jared this, but he would probably be mean and then talk shit about how crazy I am. I wish he would grow up so we could be civil. I sent him a text a few days ago, and the conversation was awesome, but then on his networking sites he goes “Fuck an apology, I’m not sorry for anything” and “I don’t know what made you think it was a good idea to text me.” It hurt my feelings. I stopped texting him and deleted his number, even though I know it by heart. It felt nice texting him. I felt whole. It wasn’t like I was desperate and was going to beg him to take me back; I wasn’t even feeling that way. It’s just sad when someone means so much to you, and then one day they are gone. They leave a gap in your heart that only they can fill. I made room in my heart for one special person out of every species on the earth, and no one else but him can fill it. So it will remain empty until he fills it, even just for an hour texting conversation.
I miss him a lot. I probably shouldn’t. But I do.